I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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