the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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