I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
bring money and cleavage
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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