So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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