It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
