so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
