dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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