She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
