So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
