His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
And then he peed in my hair
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