I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
