It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
