Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
