So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
