So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
