I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
