Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
