I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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