nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize