i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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