Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In other news, I just burned my penis
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
