I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
