I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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