This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
