Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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