He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
