He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
