her vagina looked like bernie madoff
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
