he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
