My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize