After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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