Do you still have your period?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
