today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
