My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
