you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
