he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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