I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
