OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
