I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
