we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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