You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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