he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
