Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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