So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize