Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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