Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
