My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
