her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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