were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
do herpes really smell.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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