Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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