Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
