Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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