tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
