I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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