When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
