cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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