you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He's on the porch naked. Help.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
